Battling Existence

Existing has become the ultimate challenge, physically speaking. My spirit continually thrills over life and all that it offers, but my body cannot always master the same level of enthusiasm. I am like an electrified cardboard box.

In times past, I have casually mentioned how glorious it would be to exist outside my body for just one day, completely free from the painful challenges of Multiple Sclerosis. And yes, I would literally stretch my hands to the sky, place a soft, nostalgic smile on my face, and twirl in an imaginary meadow with that thought. My last expression, however, stopped me mid-sentence. The realization hit (hard!) that no matter how wonderful the proposed idea seems, I would only plead for more time and viciously battle climbing back into this broken vessel when the day was done.

What on earth had I been saying? That is not my purpose in life. My battle here is to overcome mortal challenges, not fight to avoid them! I immediately told myself to quit talking nonsensically.

For the most part, I do. Admittedly, my thoughts still drift there on occasion. Today would be a really fine day for having legs that wanted to cooperate and function properly, especially since my 5-year-old has a long list of fun demands scheduled. Putting mind over matter, I will somehow help him accomplish them.

Friday would have been a fabulous time for having a body that could outwardly display my excitement while attending the Idaho Steelheads hockey game. My date planned such a fun evening. I pretty much sat in my assigned seat, grasping my hands steadily together in my lap, and twitched like a jumpy little frog throughout the entire game. My ability to breath and swallow were severely hindered, which made it difficult for me to speak. He would smile or comment about various things, and the best I could offer was a return smile or a simple nod. I imagine others sitting near me thought I was colder than the ice rink. Hopefully, he understood otherwise. Even though no one else could tell, I had an absolute blast!

I do wish my physical body would allow me the freedom of outward expression whenever I desire it. But no matter how random and mysterious the MS battle may be, it will never control my spirit.

Mirror Image

If you could turn my insides out, expose the raging pain of my frayed (fried!) nerves, and directly view what I internally experience at any given moment, you would consider me a horrifically gruesome monster. One which no human eye should dare behold.

Envision the melting Nazi in Raiders of the Lost Ark, and you seemingly capture the essence of my reflection in the mirror of Multiple Sclerosis.

Oh! The Irony

There is definite irony when an exercise physiologist cannot fully exercise.

*sigh*

In coming to grips with the reality that my body continually throbs in pain, whether I'm stationery or mobile, I made a personal commitment to turn this tragedy into poetry by focusing on my overall cardiovascular wellness, as opposed to improving my physical activity in hopeful yearnings to be cured of MS. Hence, I began an exercise regimen nearly four weeks ago, simply to find what works best for my particularly individual condition.

The key for me has been to exercise at a set time for the same length of time each morning. I'm now in sync with daily physical exertion, after taking about a nine month hiatus from sporadic episodes of exercise (and gaining a smidgen more weight than I dare to admit). 

For this venture, I have been utilizing services offered at the YMCA West Branch in Boise. It offers a plethora of classes and activities to remain active. The exercise physiologist in me still holds firm that the most effective form of aerobic exercise is when the body does its own work, not via the momentum of a machine. So, aside from power walking, I keep my cardio equipment options limited to tread mills and stationary bikes, plus water aerobics. I do alternating resistance training with mainly free weights for upper body, but I do use the leg press/curl machines for quadriceps and hamstrings.

My first day walking the indoor track, I stumbled (literally, several times) upon two realities: 1) my body will never again reach the level of function it maintained in years past and 2) exercise, in any form, will no longer be an easy charge.

*sigh*

On the upside, I have discovered that incorporating under-water stretching, in the 88° therapy pool, after every workout helps sooth my muscles throughout the remainder of each day. I'm not sure what any direct correlation may be here, but so far it seems to help calm the nightly twitches and tremors that would normally haunt me. 

On the ironic downside, the balance in my gait is increasingly diminishing...at a rapid pace.

*sigh*

As always, this challenge, known as Multiple Sclerosis, is an ongoing mystery to me.